Thanks

I am so grateful for the love I have in my life. I can't imagine my life without Greg. He is all that I have ever wanted in so many ways. He is a brave, strong and tough man; I know I will always be protected and cared for. He is smart and funny; he's inquisitive, he knows what he's talking about, and knows how to make me laugh. He is humble. He cares deeply about his actions and wants to do the right thing. He appreciates me. He can talk to me and he can sense when I need his help. He gives me my space. He can cook way better than mom or dad (shhh, don't tell). He even helps me clean. He is everything that I could ever need or want. I love him so much.

We can't be together this Thanksgiving, our first holiday apart. I miss him already.

I am so lucky and eternally thankful that I have found the love of my life.

New day, moon in Pisces

Every day is different from the one before. Today is better than the last and tomorrow might be worse than yesterday, but it's bound to happen anyway.

I'm in a much better mood here, my music is working and I can plug along and get my work done while listening. I've noticed that there is always some relief when the moon enters Pisces. It's like I can breathe again.

But there is trauma other places, and I just don't know how to put out the fires, not that I could if I tried anyhow. Some of those issues and problems are too deeply rooted to even attempt to dig out from the soil.

But I can at least take comfort in my own self satisfaction for this moment, today. I feel happy with me and that's all that I can do right now, that's all I have time to focus on.

Useless

That's it. Serve or Suffer. (qtd in elsaelsa.com)

Sometimes the light bulb goes off and there's a little relief...but then there's always more questions.

I know I'm going through the season right now, the depression is starting to hit me and it's hitting hard. I guess I have reason, I can explain it away, but that doesn't help me. I need to deal with it, and I am, at least I think. I'm exercising, I'm trying to change my eating habits, I'm taking care of Greg as best I can...but it's not enough. I'm holding onto this job that I hate because I need to save for the wedding, I need the health benefits, and the current job market is still shaky. There is nothing I can do right now, and I fear that the rug is going to be pulled out from under me all at once. I'm afraid my dad is going to die, Greg's mom is going to die, I'm going to lose my job and so will Greg and then we'll just be sitting in the dark with nothing.

I know it's morbid and scary and I'm just putting fear and anxiety in my own heart right now, but it's better for me to realize that all those things are a possibility...hell, even worse things are possible. But I need to be strong and I need to take care of myself and I need to prepare for the worst. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst is what it boils down to.

So serve or suffer, yeah. I know that getting out of this depression requires me to start serving, to give my heart away on a daily basis. But I can't do that sitting behind this desk, and so I suffer...for now anyway.

Serenity now...

The red planet in the flesh...



Mars is squaring my Ascendant and you really don't want to fight me, I'm volatile. I don't know why I can't lighten up. I know I have no time to myself, which is detrimental to my internal battery recharging itself.

Since my Ascendant is part of an axis with the Descendant, I have to watch how I act with my man too--seriously easy to fight him too. And we never fight either. We're that perfect couple that prefer to respect one another. I know you're throwing up right now. But we really hate fighting and see no use in it. We rarely have trouble with one another and if there is an issue, it is talked about and resolved. Almost zero conflict arises between us, seriously. But, I'm projecting my anger on him with that transiting Mars square to the Asc/Desc axis and he's getting the brunt of me constantly asking if he's cranky/upset/moody. Um, no Alicia, it's your problem. Although, Mars is square his Mercury right now, so there could be a little conflict going on with him that I'm sensing too.

Related to this, I had a terrible nightmare last night that Greg was very angry with me, verbally abusing me and we were near break up. It was dramatic and disgusting too, he said things about our intimacy that I would rather not repeat. It's always disturbing when you wake up and have to shake a dream because it felt so real and you're just hoping that the person you love doesn't really think of you as they did in your dream...

Ghostly fire

I feel like a ghost as usual, but that is somewhat my own fault. What is the saying, "If you don't speak up, you'll never be heard" or "People who don't ask for what they want don't get what they want". Whatever it is, I feel like I've been either:

a. barking up the wrong trees or
b. i really am not being seen/heard.

It's more than likely a little of both. So basically, I have been barking here and there, but I haven't been barking about what I need to fulfill myself. I guess that happens and it's probably better off if people aren't seeing me barking for no particular reason.

I will be very glad when Mars moves out of my 3rd house...but he'll back again in January, just enough time to be my good old passive self for the holidays (less strife in the family zone is always good!)

Scorpio in the wild...

The hospital Greg works at sent him a letter in the mail informing him that a coworker had nominated him for an award for excellence in patient care and work efficiency. I perked up and congratulated him for the recognition. He didn't seem excited so I probed, "You don't seem all that interested, what's up?" and he responded, "Meh, it's just weird, I prefer to lurk in the shadows."

I had a little laugh about it inside, silly Scorpio...

Energy

Lately I've been picking up on some seriously "feisty" energy.

For example, if someone at work tries to question my abilities, I come back at them with at least two forms of backup to show that I completed the appropriate measures and that they are the one that needs to get their shit straight.

While at the gym, if I feel a sync with the person on the treadmill next to me, we start running together (and quickly I might add).

Walking the busy streets, if people do not abide by general rules of conduct and pay attention to where they are going, I have felt less of a need to allow them to take up the sidewalk that they do not own.

I told G the next time a person has to stand in my personal space while I'm checking out at a register, I will kindly tell them to back the F*#$& off.

I guess this is significant for me because I have always been the one who just let shit roll of my back. I haven't felt like that in years and it's been a really slow buildup to this point of realization. But I think I'm finally beginning to get the nerve (or the needed energy) to fight back. Phew.

Maybe I really am growing up...could this be Saturn knocking on my door?