Just two weeks before mother's day, I took a home pregnancy test and discovered that I would soon join the league of motherhood myself. Mercury had barely begun moving forward again after a few weeks in retrograde. Though it felt like it had been years, the news I have been waiting to hear finally arrived and was met by husband and I with shock, awe and high tens. We just looked at each other, blinking...thinking, "is this really REAL?"
I can barely explain in words how my mind has been working since April 23rd. Me, a mother? What will the baby look like? I hope the babe gets Greg's curly hair and long eye lashes. I hope I don't get nausea. Why am I so sleepy? I know my gut isn't really a pregnant belly yet, but if it's ok, I'm going to pretend it is.
And of course, I've been thinking way too much about labor, especially today. I have been imagining what it might be like to go through that experience and every time I do, an immense fear overcomes me. What kind of pain will I go through? Will I be ok? What chances are there that I might not survive? Will the baby be born healthy, living, with all ten fingers and toes?
So many different fears have arisen from the depths of my deepest, darkest self.
The knowledge that there is a life forming inside me has the power to inspire me while also leaving me stricken with a fear I have never felt in my entire life.
The Moon was conjunct Pluto on the day I discovered I was pregnant, in my 8th house no less. I'm sure this aspect will emote more fear, trepidation, and anxiety than I have felt in my life and the hormones involved in pregnancy will only exacerbate this fact.
That was supposed to be a joke, but I have a feeling it's difficult to be funny right now.
Anyhow, Sunday was mother's day. Even though my first mother's day was a bit of a roller coaster ride of its own, I know that the next will prove to be much more inspired than riddled with fear. That mother's day story will have to wait until part two.
For now I'm reveling in my new found early nights in bed and chilled glasses of water, straight up. Night night, dear friends.