Yes, I am uncontrollably moody. I felt it coming on earlier today, but it is really hitting me hard tonight. I don't want to hear it from anyone either. I see other people happy and I want to vomit, I see other people moody and I turn away. I just can't be bothered by anyone or anything right now.
This is just the worst, knowing you can't just automatically tell yourself to cut it out, everything is fine. But instead sitting here, wallowing in self loathing and disgust for all things human. Beam me up, Scottie, I need to get the hell out of dodge.
I don't even know where it's coming from. I had an average day. I met my old boss for coffee this morning and she told me that a head injury she incurred a couple weeks ago made every crystal clear, her work should not come before her health and well being. I thought, that's great, she's moving on to greener pastures. But what the fuck. Why haven't I moved on yet? Why don't I have a direction? What the hell am I doing with my life?
I can't explain it, but my entire life has revolved around "who are you going to be when you grow up?" Not a day goes by that I don't wonder what the hell am I doing. I have nothing to complain about personally, but professionally is a whole different ballgame. I don't know where this pressure comes from, but it is a deep and heavy ache that I cannot possibly try to hide anymore. For some reason I associate "job" with "life's work". Even though those two are rarely synonymous, I can't shake their connection. I am not happy just working. Honestly, I'm completely miserable.
This is clearly the core of my crankiness, not just today obviously. There it is, all out on the table. I love my life, but I don't know what I'm doing with it.
That's a pretty heavy problem for just being moody.
Oh well, at least I was able to release a little bit of it. Now I think I shall have a glass of wine while I wait for my dinner to be delivered. Goodnight, world.