Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Not up to par

I know I'm not well, things have just been so off. I'm starting to close myself off more too. I'm a mess at work, trying to stay upbeat. I am distracted when home with the person I love the most.

I have no motivation. I have no desire to make any appointments with doctors or dentists or optometrists or therapists. I have no desire to do anything at work, but I still manage to get through it because without this, I would have no money and no future. At the very least, I get up in the morning and go to work and act happy. I stress this part - "at the very least".

Maybe I'm just a little somber due my dad's funeral services are finally taking place this weekend. We're having a funeral, burial and barbecue on Saturday in my dad's home town, about 2 hours from here. My best friend is going to come over from New York state to be with me too. I'm not anticipating this event with any kind of excitement, just pure anxiety. As the days get closer, my heart gets heavier.


  1. My thoughts are with you... you've had a rough few months. Although it doesn't seem like it's possible, things will get better for you, but it does take time. It took me about a year to grieve for my Father to the point that I felt I was getting back to normal. I know the dread your facing for this weekend and probably thinking, "I don't want to go... I don't want to do this"... but you will probably be glad you did. I'm hoping you'll feel relief once it's behind you and be able to move through your days a little easier. I'm sending warm thoughts and prayers your way girl. Keep your chin up.

  2. Thank you so much for the kind words.

    PS who is this? :)

  3. (((squeeeeeze)))))
    I'm sorry it's taken so long to have the service. Getting up in the morning is feat when life gets a person down, good for you!

  4. (((((alicia))))))
    more love for you, chicky x

  5. Love you Chrispy! xooxoxoxoxo cyber hugs!

  6. Alicia -- Regarding your comment on June 18th to me -- I've been following your blog since last year. In fact, I think I linked to your "holidays, bitches" article, and I was hooked. I've enjoyed your quirky humor and have empathized through your painful journey of the last few months. Your writing feels so raw to me. I hope you made it through the funeral services OK and are finding relief and healing. Please keep writing -- I have you set up on my RSS Feed and always look forward to seeing you've posted something new. Let yourself grieve but stay open to the healing. My warm thoughts and prayers will continue for you.

  7. Thanks Jennifer! It's pretty fun (and motivating!) to find out people read my blog. :)

    It has been a tough road, I read through these last year's posts and realized how much more I have to say.