Friday, February 26, 2010

I feel...

Tonight, I feel cheated.

Cheated because my father won't be there to walk me down the isle. He won't be there to see HIS first grandchild (not his stepson), that's if I can even have children.

I feel cheated because my dad is dead and I'm not even 30 yet.

I hate this so much.

One of my best friends lost her father several years ago. I feel guilty talking about losing my dad when she hasn't had one for a long time.

Cheated and in can I even imagine or pretend to believe there is a higher power. People keep talking about angels and how Greg and I are lucky to have each other and know each others pain. Fuck that.

Fuck losing a parent each in less than a week. It's bullshit and that's how I feel and no one can tell me different. I saw two dead parents in a six day period. I want to flip off this god that people speak about. I want to scream.

Back to my wine...for now. Maybe I'll feel less.


  1. i stopped believing in god when i visited auschwitz. i stopped again when i watched those people left to die after hurricane katrina. i vote flip off god, and scream, and drink wine...follow your gut feelings because with pluto in the 8th your guides are invisible

    no one can tell you what to think
    or believe
    or feel
    or react
    about the jail that is grief. (except me, telling you it ain´t linear!?!?!?
    ah the hypocrisy)

    i love you, lady. i wish i had more to say other than trust yourself, even when you´re most unrecognizable to yourself

  2. this made me teary, i love you so much.

    this grief actually makes me doubt if there is any sort of "design" regardless of "god".

    greg told me that he believes in the law of energy conservation, that energy never dies but is transformed. i wish that concept were slightly more comforting to me, at least it seems more logical.

    cheers! *clinks wine glass*