Useless

That's it. Serve or Suffer. (qtd in elsaelsa.com)

Sometimes the light bulb goes off and there's a little relief...but then there's always more questions.

I know I'm going through the season right now, the depression is starting to hit me and it's hitting hard. I guess I have reason, I can explain it away, but that doesn't help me. I need to deal with it, and I am, at least I think. I'm exercising, I'm trying to change my eating habits, I'm taking care of Greg as best I can...but it's not enough. I'm holding onto this job that I hate because I need to save for the wedding, I need the health benefits, and the current job market is still shaky. There is nothing I can do right now, and I fear that the rug is going to be pulled out from under me all at once. I'm afraid my dad is going to die, Greg's mom is going to die, I'm going to lose my job and so will Greg and then we'll just be sitting in the dark with nothing.

I know it's morbid and scary and I'm just putting fear and anxiety in my own heart right now, but it's better for me to realize that all those things are a possibility...hell, even worse things are possible. But I need to be strong and I need to take care of myself and I need to prepare for the worst. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst is what it boils down to.

So serve or suffer, yeah. I know that getting out of this depression requires me to start serving, to give my heart away on a daily basis. But I can't do that sitting behind this desk, and so I suffer...for now anyway.