Baaaaack

I'm back on my own couch, back home, back drinking my own coffee and typing on my own laptop.
I've been in North Carolina since last Thursday visiting my family, first staying with my mom and dad for a couple nights; then with my sister and her boyfriend for a few. I was fine the whole time, but by the last night, I couldn't help welling up with tears over small things like a song on the radio or watching the physical therapist with my dad. I just kept wondering to myself if this was the last time I would see him. It was so hard to walk out that front door and get in the car with my sister to the airport last night. I'm scared to be so far away...even though my sister says that it's better I don't have to see it all the time--as in dad's suffering, but it doesn't mean that I feel better about not seeing it.

Mom showed me a framed picture she had of dad and I from this summer when they came to visit me. He had said he wanted it next to his bed when he was in the hospital last month for all that time. He could barely talk through his wheezing the whole time I was there. His eyes were huge as he watched me leave the house last night. I couldn't stop waving and blowing kisses. So damn sad.

I started reading Wally Lamb's "I know this much is true" on the plane ride home last night. I might get into that a little later this afternoon.

I miss my dad already.