Venus in Pisces

Happy Father's Day...continued from Mother's Day Part 1

2011-06-14T11:59:00.000-04:00

I was going to post an extension on Mother's day about sad stuff, but decided against it.

Next weekend is Father's day and I completely forgot about it. I'm not going to talk about Father's day and sad stuff either, I'm not into it.

Instead, I'm going to recall the little family my husband and I are making, and the fact that he is going to be a father. His excitement is hilarious. He doesn't do anything cheesy or mushy which I appreciate. I didn't realize how much of a non-sentimental type person I would be in my romantic life, because my friendships are full of cheese and mush and lovey dovey shit. Not sure why the difference, but I like it this way and that's all that matters.

Anyhow, his lack of super sentimentality is not unnerving, because he's still sensitive and excited about it. He has Sun/Uranus, so he's more into curious questions and observations, which are always welcome and more often than not laughter inducing. He asked me the other day, "Are your hormones going to turn you into a crazy lady? My friend said his wife went berserk over little things when she was pregnant" I said I didn't know, I feel much calmer and less depressed than I have in years and hope that it continues throughout the whole pregnancy. But I would try not to rip his head off over little things if I felt the urge in the future.

His sentiment is somewhat out of the blue, another Sun/Uranus thing, I think. "She's going to be a girl, I had a dream about her already". He told me about this day dream he had about walking the bike path, holding the hand of our little girl who looked up and called him "Daddy".

And that's that. He's going to be a daddy. He is a daddy. We're sharing this experience together, this transformation from child to parent. It feels sudden, but it's been a long time coming.

Happy Mother's Day Part One

2011-05-10T21:42:00.000-04:00

Just two weeks before mother's day, I took a home pregnancy test and discovered that I would soon join the league of motherhood myself. Mercury had barely begun moving forward again after a few weeks in retrograde. Though it felt like it had been years, the news I have been waiting to hear finally arrived and was met by husband and I with shock, awe and high tens. We just looked at each other, blinking...thinking, "is this really REAL?"

I can barely explain in words how my mind has been working since April 23rd. Me, a mother? What will the baby look like? I hope the babe gets Greg's curly hair and long eye lashes. I hope I don't get nausea. Why am I so sleepy? I know my gut isn't really a pregnant belly yet, but if it's ok, I'm going to pretend it is.

And of course, I've been thinking way too much about labor, especially today. I have been imagining what it might be like to go through that experience and every time I do, an immense fear overcomes me. What kind of pain will I go through? Will I be ok? What chances are there that I might not survive? Will the baby be born healthy, living, with all ten fingers and toes?

So many different fears have arisen from the depths of my deepest, darkest self.

The knowledge that there is a life forming inside me has the power to inspire me while also leaving me stricken with a fear I have never felt in my entire life.

The Moon was conjunct Pluto on the day I discovered I was pregnant, in my 8th house no less. I'm sure this aspect will emote more fear, trepidation, and anxiety than I have felt in my life and the hormones involved in pregnancy will only exacerbate this fact.

That was supposed to be a joke, but I have a feeling it's difficult to be funny right now.

Anyhow, Sunday was mother's day. Even though my first mother's day was a bit of a roller coaster ride of its own, I know that the next will prove to be much more inspired than riddled with fear. That mother's day story will have to wait until part two.

For now I'm reveling in my new found early nights in bed and chilled glasses of water, straight up. Night night, dear friends.

Blog analysis

2011-05-05T14:21:00.000-04:00

I have been thinking a lot about how I blog, what I blog, changing blogs, and all those sorts of things that go along with owning your own blog.

When I started this blog, I wanted to write about astrology. But... I need to write other things that have taken on much more importance in the last year. This involves more personal writing for my sanity. A lot of these things I want to write about just aren't appropriate for the world wide web. Even if they are appropriate, I'm not comfortable sharing them all. And that's what I need, a space to share all the feelings - comfortable and itchy.

I have a list of bloggers on my Google reader that I adore, most of which are fun, witty writers with an important overall message, "life is pretty great". I want to write like this, having a purpose for others. I could do that from time to time, but in reality, my writing is not at all like that. In fact, most of what I want to write about is downright depressing. And I don't need an audience for these kinds of thoughts, I just need an outlet.

I have another project in the making, a hand written journal which I'm actually thinking about blogging, writing things out and taking pictures. I am not sure if this hand written journal will ever really see the blog world, I'm pondering it as a side note.

Anyhow, I hope that my growing list of friends will motivate me to write more astrology. I would like to do this in addition to all the other plans I have for my future writing.

I would love to get some feedback on what kinds of things my readers are interested in hearing about from me, feel free to comment with suggestions. Thanks!

I'm over it.

2011-04-28T08:48:00.000-04:00

Wow. Let me apologize for the previous whiny post. Poor me. :rolls eyes:

Screw negativity. Let's move on, shall we?

Cranky pants

2011-04-14T18:47:00.000-04:00

Yes, I am uncontrollably moody. I felt it coming on earlier today, but it is really hitting me hard tonight. I don't want to hear it from anyone either. I see other people happy and I want to vomit, I see other people moody and I turn away. I just can't be bothered by anyone or anything right now.

This is just the worst, knowing you can't just automatically tell yourself to cut it out, everything is fine. But instead sitting here, wallowing in self loathing and disgust for all things human. Beam me up, Scottie, I need to get the hell out of dodge.

I don't even know where it's coming from. I had an average day. I met my old boss for coffee this morning and she told me that a head injury she incurred a couple weeks ago made every crystal clear, her work should not come before her health and well being. I thought, that's great, she's moving on to greener pastures. But what the fuck. Why haven't I moved on yet? Why don't I have a direction? What the hell am I doing with my life?

I can't explain it, but my entire life has revolved around "who are you going to be when you grow up?" Not a day goes by that I don't wonder what the hell am I doing. I have nothing to complain about personally, but professionally is a whole different ballgame. I don't know where this pressure comes from, but it is a deep and heavy ache that I cannot possibly try to hide anymore. For some reason I associate "job" with "life's work". Even though those two are rarely synonymous, I can't shake their connection. I am not happy just working. Honestly, I'm completely miserable.

This is clearly the core of my crankiness, not just today obviously. There it is, all out on the table. I love my life, but I don't know what I'm doing with it.

That's a pretty heavy problem for just being moody.

Oh well, at least I was able to release a little bit of it. Now I think I shall have a glass of wine while I wait for my dinner to be delivered. Goodnight, world.

Doing it

2011-04-08T15:26:00.001-04:00

Dear World,

Greg and I are trying to make a baby. Last night he jokingly said to me, "I feel so used" in response to our baby making schedule this weekend. I love it.

Keep thinking baby thoughts for us...

Uber late birthday post

2011-03-31T17:57:00.000-04:00

I had a big birthday a couple weeks ago, the big 3-0. I was in Montana and didn't have a chance to write about anything that I was feeling, but don't worry, I think I have a moment now to pontificate.

First, a sip of red...

I don't know why everyone around me turned 30 and didn't care. It feels so important to me, like turning 16 or 18 or 21...but more determined. Those ages symbolized a certain freedom, 16 was old enough for your parents to trust you, 18 meant you were an adult and 21 meant you could drink and even 25 - I could finally rent a car! But there are no additional freedoms to be distributed at 30. Instead, I feel imprisoned by own thoughts and unfulfilled dreams. Instead, I feel like I need to restructure what I thought I would have accomplished by now into a new plan for the future of what is possible.

The only problem is, I honestly don't know what I'm planning for. I have a few dreams and ideas, and the spark and passion I had for planning my future is exciting and different now because I have another person to plan with. But I am still the same as I was at 18, because I still have no solid idea about what I'm doing. Dreams are lovely, but without a course of action, will I end up here again in another 30 years wondering how I never accomplished any of them?

I hope not, let's keep our fingers crossed. Happy belated birthday to me.

Montana

2011-03-23T17:35:00.002-04:00

I know I've been away for a bit, but listen, we have been really busy. We went to Montana for a week and had a great time in the mountains. It is absolutely beautiful there. It's been nearly a month since my last post, but I'm back. Enjoy this in the mean time:

Progressed moon in Virgo

2011-02-28T15:02:00.001-05:00

I have been thinking a lot about my progressed moon in Virgo. It's been about a year since my moon has progressed into the sign and I am not quite aware of the difference just yet. My natal moon is in the later degrees of Cancer, so I've lived most my life so far with a progressed Leo moon. In the very least, I have noticed my desire for drama has diminished. My emotional life feels much more visceral, and I can get in tune with it just by how my body is reacting.
I have no Virgo placements, but it will be interesting to note how I feel in another year or two when the progressed moon will oppose my natal Pisces stellium. For that I think I should do a little research on the Pisces/Virgo axis. I know you're right at the edge of your seats on this, so I'll keep you posted.

EDITED: My newly progressed Virgo moon woke me up last night to remind me that I was wrong about my thinking. I have not lived most my life as a progressed Leo moon. Sheesh. Progressions, a day for a year. The moon is in a sign for 2-3 days, hence, the progressed moon is in a sign for 2-3 years. I must have been loopy when I wrote that stuff yesterday.

Anyway, let's see how the next couple of years treats me. Probably more waking up in the middle of the night because I remember something I screwed up and need to fix.

Anniversary

2011-02-17T10:22:00.000-05:00

Today is the one year anniversary of my dad's death. I didn't remember when I first woke up or when I was on my way to work. I didn't remember when I was having coffee with some friends. I didn't remember until I was leaving the coffee shop and one of my friends reminisced that her mother passed away when she was very young. That ten minute walk between the coffee shop and work was excruciating. My throat was replaced by a lump.
I got to work and proceeded to cry at my desk. I've been trying my damn hardest to relax, but it's tough. I messaged my sister and we've been chatting a bit, but she stayed home today. I wish I had.

I think I'm getting better though, a little more under control at least. But focus, I have none. Being here is pretty stupid. I'd rather be having shots somewhere.

I would love to write about my dad and good things. It hurts too much. I miss him too much.

This picture was taken during his first and only trip to visit me in Boston. I got tickets for a Red Sox vs Tigers game since he grew up rooting for the Tigers. The Tigers won that game. The trip for them was sweet and sour. Dad was pumped full of prednizone and oxygen tanks were delivered to my apartment during their stay. This image is during our trip to Gloucester. Dad wanted lobsters, so I rented a wheelchair and we hopped in a Zipcar to the north shore. This is only the second to last time I saw him alive. His health just kept plummeting from then on.

I know wishing is useless, but I wish he wasn't gone. I miss him so much.

Not as planned

2011-02-14T18:49:00.000-05:00

There wasn't much for good news today. I met a woman who is turning out to be a great networking resource, but does not have a position available for my specialty. Afterwards, I had a pelvic ultrasound and was able to see the cysts on my ovaries up close and personal.

So I went and got my nails done. Hot pink, mind you. But, even the nails have some bumps in the paint that shouldn't be there.

All of the sudden, I am overwhelmed with emotion. The disease became real when I looked on that screen and saw the cysts. My lack of motivation turned on me when I realized I won't get that job.

Down and out today, no where to turn.

Crappy Valentine's Day.

Grand trine

2011-02-09T13:21:00.000-05:00

I have what is called a dissociate grand trine. This is an aspect pattern that looks like a big equilateral triangle spread across my chart. Grand trines are known for being within one element. For example, having a planet in all three fire signs at 120° from their neighboring fire sign would make such a triangle.
The issue with my grand trine is that two of the water signs, Pisces and Cancer, have planets in very late degrees. However, they still form a trine to the third planet which has stealthily crept into the next sign, Sagittarius, a fire sign. Since the third planet in my grand trine is in a different element there is a bit of intrigue within this aspect pattern. A common description you might hear about grand trines is that they promote laziness, somewhat like "life offered on a silver platter". But if you don't know how to use the opportunities afforded to you by this silver platter, your gifts can easily go to waste. I like to think that the jolt of fire in my grand trine lifts me out of the complacent pattern, but that's not always the case.

I discovered something I never thought of before regarding my grand trine. The pattern in my chart involves the Sun (Pisces), the Moon (Cancer) and Uranus (Sagittarius). This thought came to my mind today, somewhat out of the blue, "I do not like other people holding me down, whether it is through their conscious will over me or my own thoughts about them". This is an ongoing theme in my life. No one can tell me (Uranus) how I should be (Sun) and they certainly can't tell me how I should feel (Moon). If they do, I will inevitably rebel or just detach (Uranus).

Today - New Moon in Aquarius

2011-02-02T20:24:00.000-05:00

Today's New Moon in Aquarius brought to you buy Mars...

The energy today was heavy. New moons are supposed to be new beginnings, fresh starts. But every day for me lately seems like groundhog's day - pun intended. I was slogging through the snow on my way to work and slogging home through the slush. Heaviness was most definitely prevalent.

Mars was hanging out with the moon and sun today and Saturn contacted them all by a sweet trine. But as sweet are trines should be, anything with Mars and Saturn is going to be combustible. Throw in the Moon and the Sun and egos and emotions are running in high gear.

For me this day wreaked of inconsideration. But even still, Aquarius is best when people get together - so if you were able to emote (moon) your issues (sun/mars) to others (Aquarius), necessary feedback was sympathetic (moon).

Thank goodness. :)

Blog obsession

2011-01-31T15:13:00.002-05:00

So I'm obsessed with a blogger I found not too long ago, Melissa at dearbabyblog.com. I started reading her blog when Greg and I started seriously talking about making babies. I have mentioned her blog before in a previous post, but I can't figure out the obsession. Sure, she's totally adorable. Sure, she takes pictures daily. Sure, she's awfully and unabashedly sentimental. But dang, I am straight up obsessed. I mean how could you not be? The video she posted today was so darling, it brought tears to my eyes.

I confess, I even had a very odd dream about her. I've never met the woman in real life and I'm dreaming about her?! It's a little insane.

In all honesty, her blog is a refreshing time-out from the daily B.S. that is life and that's why I read, that is why I'm obsessed. She doesn't talk about the state of the world or her job or her troubles. She talks about the good stuff that goes along with pregnancy and her little babies. She talks about her love for her husband. She talks about gratitude. And I really like all that kind of stuff she talks about.

Saturn retrograde

2011-01-26T15:05:00.000-05:00

Saturn has gone retrograde at 17° Libra, and will continue to move backwards until June. Though Saturn may be half way through Libra, he has only just entered my 6th house. So as I sit here and reflect on Saturn in Libra, I am also starting a new journey for the next 2.5 years with Saturn in my 6th house. What do I need to learn about Libra and what will I need to learn about the 6th house?

At its core the 6th house deals with my job and health. Saturn can be seen as responsible (positive) but also restricting (negative). In Libra he needs to find balance, create boundaries instead of restrictions. In order for me to improve my health during this transit, I will need to limit (Saturn) my calories and work hard (Saturn) in the gym. To improve my job, hard work is again required. But I have to watch my boundaries (Libra/Saturn) so I don't get overworked. It's all very basic stuff that I need to do. But this part of my life is at a precipice, both my job and my health. I am nearing 30 and I need to take care of my body and begin to establish myself at work (6th house). "Or else" says Saturn. After all, Saturn is also the teacher, and if I don't learn these lessons this time around, who knows what will hit me 30 years from now when he comes back to Libra...

Mike Snow - Animal

2011-01-26T14:15:00.000-05:00

What?! I love this song.

Update

2011-01-23T09:56:00.001-05:00

Greg is coming down with a cold, which is UNHEARD of. The man has an immune system to envy. In the 5+ years we've been together, I think he has had one cold and a sinus infection. That's it. He asked me the other day, "How come other people get sick all the time?" I had to remind him that he probably has a super human white blood cell count and most people get sick at least once a year, it can even be seasonal. For example, I usually get at least one good cold each winter.

We're supposed to go see some friends for football watching today. But Greg is still in bed, watching a really bad movie which is usually an indicator that he may not be leaving any time soon.

Indecision

2011-01-15T10:15:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I talked a little about the effect of a Jupiter/Uranus flash of insight. I can be overly passionate (Jupiter) about my great idea for that moment in time (Uranus).

But we're all wobbling these days, all around the world. More personally though, my Libra and Pisces placements can be extremely indecisive. Additionally, Saturn is reaching new territory in my chart, a place he hasn't been since I was an infant, my 6th house. I have to get serious (Saturn) about my work (6th house). Meaning, I need to put in the effort if I want to reap any rewards from this transit. Recently, Saturn returned to his natal position in my chart and all those feelings that come along with turning 30 have come rushing to the forefront of my consciousness.

"I just got married! Why don't I have a baby yet? What am I doing with my career? Why aren't I as successful as I imagined? etc etc etc"

The idea of becoming an art teacher excites me, but so do a million other ideas that I have about what I want to do when I grow up...which is about two months from now when I turn 30. This is where the issues in my chart become blatantly clear while the transits are forcing me to make some decisions about my life. I wish I could shut off the analyzing part of my brain and turn on the act now button.

We shall just wait and see, but for now, the house needs cleaning.

Jupiter Uranus insight

2011-01-14T18:45:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, while sitting at my desk at work, I was distracted by the internet in between entering invoices. I saw something, a career I had attempted to pursue previously on one of the websites I was clicking between. It happened so quickly, that I cannot recall the website or what I was reading when I saw the career description. I was suddenly remembering all the times that I have attempted to pursue that career and all the times that I have not followed through.

When I was 21 I decided I should go back to school and finish my bachelors degree after a three year hiatus. I decided I wanted to do art. I applied to two schools and was accepted to both. Due to financial circumstances, I chose the less expensive school.

I originally chose my major as art education. I believe this is a practical use of my creativity. As a Pisces Venus, I love art and enjoy creating. But my Taurus ascendant is not comfortable with the idea of a starving artist. Being able to still create and teach others to enjoy this process really appealed to me. But a year into the program, I didn't feel like I was being allowed enough art classes, so I changed my major to fine art.

Then another year later, I went through a relationship issue and transferred schools. This last school was completely different than any I previously attended. This was a progressive school, without grades or lesson plans. It's called self-directed learning. I really loved what I did in my final two years there, a combination of art, writing, poetry, psychology and quantum physics. Unfortunately, in the real world of certification and requirements, my hippy personalized degree isn't getting me anywhere professionally.

I graduated and thought I might like to go to graduate school, but all three turned me down. Then I briefly attempted to figure out how I might get back into art education, and somewhere along the line I just gave up.

I became complacent, fearful. Of what, I don't know. I stand in my own way sometimes.

But when I sat there and saw "art educator"...a Uranian light bulb went off in my head. I still can't remember where I saw those words, and now I almost feel like I may have imagined them, which is all the better I think.

I am still fearful. But I don't want to be. I want to really put in some effort this time. After all, third time's the charm, right?

Wedding music

2011-01-12T10:57:00.001-05:00

Before the wedding, I honestly labored over what song to pick out for our first dance. It felt like such a huge deal. It's one of those wedding things that you think about all your life...err, at least I did. We didn't have our own song before we got married, even though both of us are music lovers. Our first song had to have a special meaning, it's just my personal requirement. So, we decided on Stay With You by John Legend:

The story behind this is simple. Greg and I went to a John Legend concert together. This wasn't any ordinary concert though. This was a "let's stay together" concert. This was a gift. This was an "I love you". The words in this song are why we decided to stay together. Love doesn't have to be difficult. We love each other, so we will work together and we will stay together. It's that simple.

This song still brings tears to my eyes, probably it always will.

Skiing, boarding and wedding pictures

2011-01-09T17:16:00.001-05:00

I got to enjoy a weekend away with my husband and another couple. We stayed at a resort in Jay Peak, our room overlooking the mountain. We drank too much and spent a good amount of time in the snow. Getting on my snowboard was like riding a bike, I didn't forget. It was definitely awesome and I really enjoyed myself. Greg was extremely excited the whole weekend, like a little kid in a candy store.

I finally got our thank you cards together for our wedding guests. We got an email from our photographer with our pictures from the wedding while away this weekend. I thought it would be a nice idea to include the photo gallery info with the thank you cards.

I invite my readers to take a look at our pictures too. I really love her style and highly recommend our photographer:

Go to http://www.kirstenlewisphoto.com
Use the PROOFS link at the far right of the splash page
Scroll down to the gallery called Weddings and Engagements 2010
Locate the gallery (alicia & greg)
There you will find the albums, all with the same password
Your password is: Gates (case sensitive)

Editing

2011-01-05T09:47:00.001-05:00

I added a few more things to my resolutions list...

Also, still waiting for my wedding pictures. I'm dyyyyyyingg over here waiting.

For now, I'll leave you with this pepper. Enjoy.

New Stuff

2011-01-02T20:04:00.000-05:00

P.S. One more resolution. More astrology posts. I promise.

Happy New Year

2011-01-02T17:38:00.001-05:00

I have quite a few things that I'm looking forward to this year. Actually, I started a list in my head of resolutions, something I haven't done for years. I think about four or five years ago, I decided that resolutions were futile and no one ever accomplished anything through such a silly tradition. Well, this year, it's different. I need goals. I need some motivation. I need to give myself a chance (or two).

So here they are, in no particular order:

My New Year Resolutions:

1. Do art and write
2. Get body baby ready
3. Get a new job
4. Call my friends
5. Read a book to the end
6. Practice gratitude
7. Heal myself
8. Pay off those credit cards
9. Stash away money to move
10. Spread love

God. I know there is more. I'll edit this post later or make a new post. I feel like I have a million things on my to do list for the year. I'm actually really glad that I feel like making resolutions. It's almost as if I'm coming out from a cave and seeing the light for the first time. There are people and places in the world and I am not trapped in that dark cave anymore. This new year has brought on a sense of new ambition and I am very, very happy about that.

Christmas time 2010

2010-12-27T09:27:00.004-05:00

All in all, I think it was a successful Christmas weekend. There was a bit too much wassailing on Christmas eve, but that's ok. I still made it for Christmas dinner, albeit not in the best shape. I wish I had more pictures from Greg's fabulous roast, but these Christmas eve party pics will have to suffice for this year.

Christmas eve cheer.

Heather loves the chicken hat.

This is our close up.

Can you honestly look pensive in a chicken hat?

This is my holiday wink.

Off to snow country!

2010-12-23T16:30:00.003-05:00

We're heading north to Vermont for the weekend!

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-21T17:53:00.002-05:00

The Lunar Eclipse

It was much too snowy, cloudy and late for me to stay up and see the lunar eclipse last night. But I hear it was fabulous.

I'm issuing a public apology to my husband for my erratic behavior. Sorry, love. I am a mess. Thank goodness you're so understanding. Also, I'm glad that you know just how to sit spread eagle on my shoulders so that I will laugh and begin feeling better. You're the best.

Love, Wifey

Snow day!

2010-12-20T17:19:00.004-05:00

It finally snowed in Boston today! I was getting tired of hearing about the snow in North Carolina. It finally snowed here!

The first snow is always the best. No one has had to shovel just yet. The air feels a little less dry for the first time all winter. There is magic in those miniature falling flakes that makes everything in the world seem OK..At least for that brief, fleeting moment when you can enjoy the first snowfall of winter.

The edge

2010-12-16T08:20:00.004-05:00

I know...I'm on edge. I'm irritable. I'm moody. I'm intense. My new bangs have caused arguments and emotions. Really? You may ask. I cannot explain why. It's silly, I know. I need to be more zen. It's hard to relax when Uranus is dancing on my Sun/Mars. I cannot control anything right now. As any good Pisces should, I'm just going to go with the flow and have a little faith.

Here's what has been causing me strife the last week...my new hair. (or as some have said, "same old" hair):

Don't I look annoyed? I don't bite, I swear.

Over compensating

2010-12-14T12:17:00.002-05:00

I have been pretty optimistic about Christmas...and staying in good spirits. Then I confessed to Greg over the weekend, that I've been keeping this way, because if I go down - the ship is going down. I know he's miserable about the holidays, I know he's missing his mom. I worry that if I do the same thing, start feeling the same way, we'll both be sunk. I have been avoiding my feelings. But that just doesn't work.

Now I keep thinking I wish we could skip Christmas. I'm falling into the funk. I don't want to, but where else can I go? I can't put on a happy face all the time.

I miss my dad. But I hadn't seem him at Christmas for at least 3 years. The last three we spent with Greg's family. I'm really scared how much I'm going to miss Jeanne. His mom's death still hasn't hit me.

How I See

2010-12-08T17:09:00.001-05:00

I was just sketching something (for the first time in ages) and I realized that I change the way I look at something when I draw. My eyes sort of unfocus so that I can see the shadows, and then they refocus on particular parts of the object I'm drawing so I can see the finer details. I was taught that learning to draw was learning to really see something, and that whole lesson just came back to me two-fold. Amazing!

Rough day

2010-12-07T13:30:00.007-05:00

This should make me feel better.

I adore this man.

Another Sunday

2010-12-05T17:13:00.004-05:00

I didn't finish the drawing for Christy yet...dang! I will do it though, damnit, it's on my to do list and I need to cross it off the list!

On another note, I decorated the house with some Christmasy stuff, so it feels pretty festive in here right now. Buddy the cat is all over me. I'm having a white russian while the husband is sipping on a scotch. The smell of Greg's homemade red sauce is coming from the kitchen. It's dark outside and the fiber optic tree is lighted in the front window. It's time to turn off the blog for the night. Sweet dreams all.

Winter folly

2010-12-02T13:36:00.003-05:00

Greg and I picked up some equipment over the weekend while in Vermont, and I am now styling with a 2009 Salomon Ace snowboard. I haven't been on a mountain in over 5 years. And yet, we decided it would be a great idea to buy some stuff. We're so random. We do have plans to go to Jay Peak in January. Also, a friend of Greg's moved to Montana a couple months ago... I hope we get some use out of our new stuff.

Bill and the Boys

2010-12-01T09:05:00.004-05:00

That's my dad there - in his sweet hat, striped shirt and plaid pants. Lookin good. I wonder who those guys are. The picture is titled, "Bill and the boys at Kelly's". Who are these mysterious boys? I wonder if any of them are still kickin'. Maybe they could tell me some stories...

Under where

2010-12-01T08:26:00.003-05:00

I might have a wedgie all day. Just saying, and it's not all that comfy. Back to the squatting board, get my booty in shape so I can fit in normal panties again.

The Art Pal Project

2010-11-29T18:10:00.003-05:00

I am going to create a quick sketch this week and mail it to my good friend frisken. I sent a message to her proposing we become "art pals"...in the same vein as a "pen pal" just with art instead of letters. To my absolute excitement, she accepted my offer and we are off and running with our little project this week! I said I would start off, so I'm going to make a little charcoal or pencil sketch this week and get it in the mail for her this weekend.
I came here to see if anyone had a suggestion for my sketch. What say you fellow bloggers? Do you have an idea for my first project?

She Bangs

2010-11-29T15:31:00.003-05:00

I'm thinking about getting bangs. Maybe like this??? I love her hair. Mine is a little redder though, thanks to Natural Essences semi-permanent home hair dye.

Thanks

2010-11-25T21:12:00.004-05:00

Thank you MGH for taking my husband away to work tonight. Whoever needed his help, I understand. This is not sarcasm, anymore, anyway.

We had a lovely day, he woke earlier than me this morning, started preparing dinner first thing. I got out of bed to the smell of coffee and sausage. Heaven.

I whipped up a pumpkin cheesecake while my hubby spun around me getting the turkey buttered and the sides prepped. All our things began baking and stewing and boiling and brewing. It was a delightful day full of beautiful smells. We sat down around 5pm to eat and stuff ourselves, thankful for our first Thanksgiving together as husband and wife. I get teary now thinking of it. I got teary when the hospital called him to work tonight too. But it's ok. I'm having some red wine while my cat harasses me to pet him.

I was surfing the interwebs earlier this weekend and found some lovely blogs, one I fell head over heals for...http://dearbabyblog.com/

I want to cuddle these people!

But anyway, this is what happens to you when you start thinking about babies. You start googling babies. You start googling blogs about babies. You start googling baby names. You become a baby mess. That's what's happened to me. I'm a big fat baby want to be making mess.

Ahhh, I love today. Sorry my babe isn't here, but so thankful for him. Love you, my love.

Wait

2010-11-20T09:42:00.002-05:00

I have something else I want to say. I have been thinking about this a lot.

A huge reason I miss my dad so much. I didn't really know him.

Greg and I recently watched the season finale of The Big C (the show about a woman diagnosed with cancer, we like torture, clearly). Afterwards, he began saying how he missed talking to his mom, they would call each other 4-5 times a week and he would just tell her stuff that was going on or whatever. So this makes me cry because I didn't call my dad 4-5 times a week. I barely knew my dad. I know he was very particular about cleanliness (we called him Mr. Clean), he spent his early years in the Navy, he was extremely quiet, and a former alcoholic. I'm sure there's other stuff. But on an intimate level, I just didn't really know anything about my dad. I know he had stories too. They were there, but he just didn't share them with everyone or very often.

I remember when I was in high school, my Spanish club was planning a biking trip to Mexico. During one of the final meetings, my dad came to talk to my teacher, sign papers, whatever. My Spanish teacher and him just started talking and though I can't recall the conversation completely, my dad went on about some places he had been while in the Navy, mostly about South American countries. I distinctly remember thinking that I wished my dad would tell me stories about the traveling he had done. And that's that. Nothing ever came of that. I just wished. I didn't ask him. He didn't come to tell me. Stupid wishes.

This is the stuff I think about these days. Stuff I missed out on with my dad. Maybe in the future I'll think of other things, good things. But right now, I'm not. I hope it doesn't get worse.

Dear Lonely Blog

2010-11-20T09:36:00.002-05:00

It's been awhile. I know. I'm not very consistent, I admit that. But what can I do? Really?

I might do some art today, I don't know. Husband is at work, I drank too much last night and I'm sitting on the couch in silence. It's a bit ridiculous. Down down downward spiral I've been in. My friend told me that some people go through a sort of post-wedding depression because the bride isn't planning anything anymore. I don't think that's the case. I think it's all a big blur really. Even if there is an inkling of sadness because I'm not planning a wedding anymore, most of my sadness is due a couple people that are missing on this planet.

I think that's why I don't write much anymore. Whatever I have to say is fucking depressing.

I'm going to stop moping this morning, drink my coffee, and do something with myself. Maybe next time I'll have something more interesting to talk about.

Married!

2010-10-06T09:39:00.003-04:00

Bang!

Sunday morning

2010-08-08T10:01:00.003-04:00

Usually, my man and I spend Sunday mornings on the couch watching a bad movie. However, he wanted some overtime, so decided to go in to work this morning for a few hours. I think I might meet him in the city and we'll go see Inception at the movie theater.

So remember my last post about wedding planning being so easy? Well, it's getting to be crunch time and I'm starting to freak out a little. For some reason, I'm nervous that things aren't going to come together properly. For example, we have yet to really book with a rental company for tables/chairs for the reception dinner. I'm a little nervous about that, considering there's less than 8 weeks to go. EEP!

I contacted an event planner last week, because in all honesty, I really just want some help. Plus, the event planning company also does flowers and decorations, so hiring them pretty much rounds out everything I need to get done, except the damn rentals.

Anyway. I'm so freaking excited, I cannot explain.

Another nervous point -- the RSVP. Why haven't people done this yet? I assume that those that are not responding are not coming, but then again, there are people that are not responding because they assume we know they ARE coming. Yikes. There's just a week left before the RSVP date, so I'm hoping that people get on there. I'm thinking about sending a nudge to those who haven't responded. I'm getting anxious!

Ok...my bridal paranoia is showing hardcore. Is it time for a cocktail yet?

Another month bites the dust

2010-07-23T16:50:00.002-04:00

I hate it when a whole month nearly passes by and I wonder where it went and why I haven't written anything.

I made a secret promise to myself that I would continue to write, but I broke it...clearly. Now the secret is out too.

I've just been doing nothing too. Nothing at all. I get so tired of talking to people on the phone and they talk and talk and talk and inevitably the conversation turns to me and I go blank. Absolutely nothing spectacular has happened to me, not a thing! Most of the time I almost dismiss the question by saying I've just been too busy organizing things for the wedding. Which is a complete lie. Wedding planning is far easier than those ridiculous reality shows on TV attempt to purport. So in their minds I'm making phone calls, editing schedules, crafting this and that...but I'm just not. The wedding invitations alone took an astonishing three hours to make. ::faints::
I'm embarrassed at how easy it's all been, considering how difficult I've been expecting it to be.

The point is, I never feel like I have anything to talk about with people. If there was something I wanted to talk about, I don't. This is probably another reason my posts are spread so thin here too.

Finally, I should also note another point I want to make. This is that I know someday, I'll have a lot to talk about, because I'll have accomplished a lot. I know that's really vague and even weird for me to say in my "life is so short because people I know keep dying" phase I'm going through. You would think that I would be doing everything right now. And it's not that I can't. I just need some time. Because, even though life is short, I still feel like I have all the time in the world and I need a little breathing room between now and then.

If any of that made sense in my cold medicine induced ranting, I bow graciously. Thank you, world.

wine and baths and friends

2010-06-25T21:53:00.002-04:00

I had a phone call (which I originally missed) from my best friend tonight. I was getting ready to hop in the bathtub and discovered I had misplaced my cellphone. I found it in the front room and saw that I had missed a call and received a text from my friend that said "please call me". I nearly freaked out, considering this is the girl that recently broke up with her boyfriend of five years that she has a son with. I was worried she did something because I don't know her past. We only met when we were 20 and though I know her now, I didn't know her before then.

And of that I'll say, we're who we always were, even when we're hiding.

She used to be bulimic and I didn't know her at that time of her life. Though, I wish I had. She is amazing, she is beautiful, she is full of life and excitement and wonder. I love her to the very last depth of my soul. I wish I knew her then because I would have held her in my arms and been there for her, like so many people in her life weren't that should have been.

But anyhow, I called her as soon as I picked up my phone which was an hour after the missed call. I apologized profusely, but she's too amazing to care. She heard me shuffling with the bath water. I'm a silly, wine drinking mess apparently. She laughed at me and explained that she was going out by herself tonight and needed some moral support. (phew!) I hopped in the tub and laughed with her for a half an hour about how silly we are and how much we should be together. God I miss that girl.

What a lovely evening. Take care full moon-ers and good night.

Not up to par

2010-06-16T09:12:00.003-04:00

I know I'm not well, things have just been so off. I'm starting to close myself off more too. I'm a mess at work, trying to stay upbeat. I am distracted when home with the person I love the most.

I have no motivation. I have no desire to make any appointments with doctors or dentists or optometrists or therapists. I have no desire to do anything at work, but I still manage to get through it because without this, I would have no money and no future. At the very least, I get up in the morning and go to work and act happy. I stress this part - "at the very least".

Maybe I'm just a little somber due my dad's funeral services are finally taking place this weekend. We're having a funeral, burial and barbecue on Saturday in my dad's home town, about 2 hours from here. My best friend is going to come over from New York state to be with me too. I'm not anticipating this event with any kind of excitement, just pure anxiety. As the days get closer, my heart gets heavier.

Suffocating

2010-06-07T08:27:00.002-04:00

I had this dream last night...

My sister and I were hanging by our knees, upside down in a tank filled with water. She wanted to see how long she could hold her breath and while I was under with her, I looked her in the eyes and pointed to my side which was aching and came out of the water. I couldn't stay under because of the pain in my side. So I hopped off the tank and let my sister hang alone. I was talking with a handsome man for some time and realized that my sister hadn't come down from the tank. I turned to see her hanging there and I yanked the tank back from the wall, which my sister had been facing. I pulled her out of the water, and she was blue and lifeless. I laid her on the ground and began pumping her chest furiously. Water spewed out of her mouth, she coughed and the color returned to her face as she opened her eyes. She sat up and asked me what happened. She had been in the water for 100 minutes someone told me. Afterward, I began feeling such extreme guilt while still in my dream, just wishing I hadn't been so careless to leave her alone.

Her blue face in my dream is still haunting me this morning. It was chilling...I guess I saved her, but even still, I felt like I had done such wrong for leaving her alone.

I'm back!

2010-06-01T08:08:00.002-04:00

Sorry dear blog, it's been so long. Most of the problem is I just don't know what to say anymore.

I know I've been very depressed. I'm trying to keep up at work, it is nonstop busy. Greg has also been quite a mess, which is more stressful for me than I may even realize.

I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing half the time, so I haven't really done anything. I have very little energy, so I try not to waste it.

Not even sure what to do with my day off. I stayed home sick today. I feel like I have a million things to do, laundry, cleaning, gym, shopping...but I don't want to do any of it.

Emotions

2010-03-11T08:47:00.003-05:00

My birthday is in 4 days. If this were any other year, I would have started my birthday countdown about 2 weeks ago. I would be reminding everyone that the day I was born is quickly approaching. I would probably be telling strangers on the train that the last year of my twenties starts on Monday.

Unfortunately, this isn't any other year. This is the year my dad died less than a month before my birthday. This is the year Greg' mom died just six days before my dad. I won't be scurrying the streets of Cancun once a year with Jeanne anymore. I won't talk to my dad and tell him about the new class I'm taking.

I could barely speak to my dad the last six months of his life anyhow. He would get exacerbated just from speaking sometimes. He would lose his voice after the first few words came out. It's not as if he spoke much to me my entire life, but the things he said always had feeling, I've said this before. He made small talk, but it always included an undertone of pride. "How's the class at Harvard you are taking?" he would ask me. I would correct him and make sure he knew that the class was through the extension school for adults, but that didn't matter to him. He told me how proud he was of me all the time, not always in words, but always through inflection.

Greg has been reflecting on how much he'll miss his talks with his mother. I originally thought to myself that I couldn't miss talks with my dad because we never really talked. I am writing this to remind myself to always remember even if our conversations were short or far apart, they meant something to me and to dad.

First day

2010-03-01T15:34:00.003-05:00

It's a long day today. The morning went by pretty quickly, but the afternoon has been dragging. I just got back to work today after being away since the 12th of last month.

I've been pretty numb today, just playing on the internet, which I've discovered is a great way to detach and ignore your feelings. Though I know as soon as I step outside that front door and start walking to the train, I'm going to have the same feelings which rushed through me this morning.

Time to head out...wish me luck.

It could be worse

2010-02-27T18:15:00.004-05:00

What keeps me from not dwelling in some of the emotions I was feeling through the last couple of posts? Earthquakes. Today, the news of the earthquake in Chile which is following just a few weeks after the earthquake in Haiti, I feel sad for all the people who have lost family members, friends, and pets within the rubble.

I remember when I was living in Florida the year after a big hurricane which flew through the middle of the state, leaving behind a ton of destruction not only on the coastline but also the center of the state. There were at least 3 hurricanes which mildly affected where I was living that following season. I went out and learned how to surf in the waves of the beginning of one of those hurricanes.

Even though I'm not in the middle of the current shock waves around the earth, I know what the earth must be feeling, destruction is obvious all around me.

I believe that soon enough I'll be able to surf on a different wave, like I was able to do so many years ago.

I feel...

2010-02-26T20:22:00.002-05:00

Tonight, I feel cheated.

Cheated because my father won't be there to walk me down the isle. He won't be there to see HIS first grandchild (not his stepson), that's if I can even have children.

I feel cheated because my dad is dead and I'm not even 30 yet.

I hate this so much.

One of my best friends lost her father several years ago. I feel guilty talking about losing my dad when she hasn't had one for a long time.

Cheated and in disbelief...how can I even imagine or pretend to believe there is a higher power. People keep talking about angels and how Greg and I are lucky to have each other and know each others pain. Fuck that.

Fuck losing a parent each in less than a week. It's bullshit and that's how I feel and no one can tell me different. I saw two dead parents in a six day period. I want to flip off this god that people speak about. I want to scream.

Back to my wine...for now. Maybe I'll feel less.

One at a time

2010-02-26T17:36:00.003-05:00

I wanted to pick one thing to rant about at a time. The first topic up for grabs, death and family.

I was raised to believe that family came first. I grew up Catholic and was taught that we need to take care of one another, honor and respect our mother and father, and treat others the way that we would want to be treated.

Just a few months ago, I told Greg that family is blood and love is inherent. He shot down my claim for good reason, he didn't believe love is inherent in a family, but learned.

During my father's passing, I learned that Greg was right.

My sister was absent. When Greg and I arrived in North Carolina the day after my father passed, my mom and sister and brother were all gathered at my sister's house to greet us. But when my mom drove Greg and I to her home, we didn't see my sister for two days. And on that day, she was a tyrant. It was all about her. Neither Greg or I could believe what we heard when she told us all that her and her friends were going out drinking that night. She did the opposite of what I always believed a family should do for one another. She ran away from us.

I was so disappointed. Greg knew it too. She tried to make it up to us while we were there, but it didn't matter. I told her it was okay. I told her not to worry or feel guilty because that wouldn't help anything. I didn't tell her it was too late.

I know I'll get over it, I hate holding grudges. But for now, it hurts a lot to know that the one person I thought I could trust, someone who was supposed to be family and a friend, ditched the people that matter most in one of the darkest times we have all encountered.

Point is, even though she is family, she has got to earn my love again.

Home again

2010-02-24T17:03:00.004-05:00

The last two weeks have been hellish, most definitely. I'm glad to be home, I'm glad to be with my cat and my man. I'm terrified of what my next thought will be though. I haven't been thinking the last two weeks, just doing. When we got the call about Greg's mother passing, Greg crawled back in bed with me and sobbed for hours. I can't even tell you how long it was, I was just holding him, hoping that my little bit of comfort would warm him.

We made the trip to Vermont the next day to be with his family. We went through the motions, people were in and out of the house, bringing food and taking care of us. It was amazing what I saw. These people just came out from everywhere to help Greg and his family cope with Jeanne's death.

We drove 2 hours away for the funeral and wake, family members and close friends were there to console. That night, Greg and I drank till we couldn't think. My mother called me while we were resting and said she didn't think dad was well. The next day, I woke to about 5 or 10 different missed calls from both my sister and mother. I knew what was happening. I called my sister and woke her at 530am, she said that dad had passed away.

There was another service for Jeanne in her hometown that day. I didn't think I could do it, but I managed. All of Greg's family had heard and they came at me after the service. I almost broke down right there. So many people, so many wonderful people trying to offer their comfort.

We flew to North Carolina that afternoon. A couple of friends drove us to the airport and I think we were drunk by the time we got there. My mother and sister picked us up. It was so different there. No one came to my mother's house. Even my brother was at work and my sister stayed away that first couple of days. I was so confused. Did anyone love my father or mother? Not a soul showed up with dinner.

We had a small wake at my mother's house, we helped her put up pictures and organize a few flowers that had arrived from my co-workers and Greg's family. My sister, brother and his coworkers showed up, a few hospice nurses, and two women that work with my mother. Seemed so barren.

Mom got a new dog from the shelter, a black lab mix. I think she is going to be a nice new buddy for mom.

We made it home yesterday after being away almost two weeks. It's been intense to say the least, but I haven't really had much time to feel anything just yet. I have some things to deal with, I know that.

I have a lot of thoughts going on in my head, but they are not fully processed yet. I can't write about them right now, but I will.

Mimosas, french toast and goings away

2010-02-11T15:30:00.002-05:00

I'm leaving the office shortly, but I thought I would say a few words.

I feel like the subordinate monkey, constantly stressed. While Uranus dilly dallies on top of my Sun, Mercury is crossing my midheaven squaring Saturn who is quickly approaching his return.

I can't count on my fingers and toes how many goings on there are right now. Maybe I assumed it would be more positive, and perhaps when the dust settles, there will be a few gems to pull from the rubble. But for now, as I watch the towers crumble and the phoenix fly away, I wonder where I will end up.

WTF

2010-02-03T12:11:00.002-05:00

Honestly. Now, I know that shit is hitting the fan from here to there to everywhere, but what the fuck?

We're on a bit of a roller coaster, but that's ok. I can buckle up.

Both of my bosses are leaving within weeks of one another (the director and the controller). My department will be headless by March. Only us minions here to fend for ourselves. Wonderful. Let's see where the chips fall on this situation...but I don't see a good outcome. Everyone keeps saying it'll be ok, but I'm not so sure...

On the bright side of things, Greg's mom has improved tremendously and is going home this weekend. She almost died last Tuesday. We went to visit her Monday, as soon as we got there she fell and broke her leg. She went to the hospital screaming in pain, they drugged her up to the point that she was comatose. Then Wednesday she was coming back around. By the weekend she was wondering when the doctors would reset her leg so she could go home. Amazing. She even said to us "I could have died on Tuesday. I would have, but I looked around and didn't see anyone I knew. So I said forget it, it's not my time yet". She got another chance, I sense there is some unfinished business.

Everybody is dealing with something

2010-01-14T16:22:00.002-05:00

I have a shitload going on in my life and I know that everyone and their brother does too. Literally. So what do I say? Sure, my fiance's mother is dying, my dad is in and out of the hospital and I just got bloodwork back that tells me I'm anovulatory...but what the hell does any of that matter to the people of Haiti who just got their world turned upside down or a friend of mine who just had a kid and is going to lose her insurance benefits or this person or that person who is struggling with a million things on their plate. My shit doesn't matter to someone else who has just as much shit.

But honestly, I'm just trying to keep my head down, keep going, take care of business as best possible, and not let any of it piss me off. I feel like I've been on a pretty bumpy ride already. I've been super spacey...just out there. But I hope that will improve. I can't let this stuff send me into turtle mode, otherwise I won't know what happened when I come out on the other side of it.

Gone, gone, she's gone so far away

2009-12-31T10:18:00.003-05:00

Happy New Year's Eve, by the way.

We're leaving tomorrow morning, hopping on a single-engine cessna, in the middle of Mercury retrograde and a snowstorm. Pray for me. I'm not even religious...
Alright, it's not really a snow storm, they only predict a couple inches. But that tiny ass plane makes me nervous.

Wouldn't that make you nervous?

Anyhow, I'll be fine, I'm sure. I'm more nervous about being in Vermont. I'm scared shitless honestly. This isn't my forte. I don't know what dying is about. I don't know how to act around people that are struggling to hold on to someone else's scraps of life.

Worst of all, I don't know what to do with Greg. I don't know how to support him right now, even though he says I'm doing everything right. I don't feel like I am. On top of that, I've been sick this week, and needing him to attend to my physical sickness, all while he needs me to attend to his mental issues. I know I wouldn't be so concerned about how I'm taking care of him if I weren't sick. Illness really messes up my brain functioning.

But I'm feeling a little clearer today, and ready to clean up the house a bit before we leave tomorrow morning. I'm not sure when we'll be back. And like I said, I'm going crazy scared out of my mind about it. Well, fantastic. Happy fuckin' new years.

You had to know

2009-12-29T09:22:00.006-05:00

The time would come...

I'm at work, but I can't really imagine doing anything. I have today, tomorrow and a half day on Thursday. I'm starting to get sick from our Christmas visit to Vermont. I think it's odd that I can live in a big city and use public transportation every day, but I go to Vermont and come come home with a cold. Damn. Must be my immune system isn't used to those germs.

Anyway, my good mood from prior to Christmas was short-lived. It's a real bitch, because from here on, these posts are going to be depressing and moody as all hell. So I'll warn you about that right now, if you don't want to read my sad shit, I'd say stay away for a little while. But if you're into Pluto and getting heavy and talking about death and sadness, well, hop aboard. Though, my Sun/Venus nature will sprinkle in some lighthearted posts from time to time, but they will be few and far between.

The thing is, I'm in an intimate relationship with death right now. That's right, Pluto is transiting my 8th house, and my fiance has a natal Cancer moon (3 degrees) which creates a t-square with transiting Saturn and Pluto. His mother is dying and has been for the last two years. When someone is dying, it never seems quite real, at least not until the death is imminent. So we've been doing our thing, holding out till this known time would come. Anticipating, ignoring, fearing, analyzing...what else can you do between the time of diagnosis and death?

I feel like I'm sitting on the edge of a deep, dark cliff...hanging my legs off the side, knowing that something is going to reach up and pull me in soon. You know that feeling? When I was a little girl, I watched this horror movie called Dolls, and ever since then, I have a terrible time letting my leg poke out from under the blankets when I go to bed at night. I get the chills just imagining something might grab my leg, bite me or drag me away. That's the feeling I have right now. But I'm not safe and warm in bed, able to throw the blankets over myself. I'm on the edge of a damn cliff.

Greg's mother may only have a couple of weeks left. I don't know. Those specifics aren't real. What is real is her phone call to him this morning from her hospital bed, completely in tears because she was alone. Why is she alone? She was surrounded by people from the moment I met her. She has so many friends. I can't count on my two hands all of the women and men I have met who called themselves friends of hers. But it's the end, you know. Who will stand by you at the end? Who will sit by your hospital bed? Will it be that group of people you call friends? Will it be your husband or wife? Will it be your children? Will anyone be there?

I know I want to be there and so does Greg.

I don't know when we're leaving, but I know it's soon.

Artist Antoine de Villiers

holidays, bitches

2009-12-23T20:41:00.002-05:00

You know, I can be pretty foul mouthed in person. If you met me and we started talking, you would probably wonder why my mother never washed my mouth out with soap. I'm going to say that I probably knew when and where it was ok to speak dirty language, let's specify the past tense, "I knew". But these days, it's more free-flowing than normal. On top of that, I'm more conscious of how free-flowing it has been. Which means, when I speak to someone I'm sure is far LESS foul mouthed than myself, every time I hear a swear exit my mouth, I EVEN cringe.

Oh goodness. Thank you Saturn in Libra for reminding me of this.

Oh wait, fuck it. This is my blog. :)

Anyway, I'm in a phenomenal mood. I'm ready for Christmas and all the hullabaloo that will follow. Let's do this.

Blog change

2009-12-14T11:03:00.001-05:00

I needed a change, Christmas is coming, and I was feeling bored with my blog.

Weee!

Ask me Astrology questions!

2009-12-14T11:00:00.000-05:00

Thanks to my new good friend Chrispito for the personalized astrology questionnaire...she sent me some questions which I will attempt to answer myself. :) If you're interested in this astro-game, leave a message and I'll try and think up some good ones.

All in all this exercise was fun and really helped me to learn a bit more about my own chart and validate some of astrology's uses that I had somewhat ignored...

1. Where does Uranus fall in your birthchart and how does it's energy play out in one of your particular psychological patterns?

Good question! The independent rebel falls in my 7th house of love and wouldn't you guess it, my Scorpio man has Uranus/Sun conjunct, also in my 7th house. :) Uranus squares my 10H Aquarian Mercury, giving me that insatiable curiosity for knowledge. Finally, he is part of a grand trine with 11H Sun/Mars and 3H Moon. I think the 3rd is siblings, the 7th is partners and 11th is friends...those relationships just flow...like a good old grand trine should.

2. Do you remember your 8th birthday?--that'd be the year you had your first Sun/Saturn square.

This one is tough for me, my memory is really bad. BUT, if I'm remembering correctly, 8yrs old is 2nd grade and I recall loving my teacher to pieces (she had awesome 80s hairspray bangs) because she was a sweetheart. Additionally, Neptune was conjunct Saturn during my first Saturn square. I must have been in lala land. I did however, have to get glasses that year. I loved picking out my minney mouse frames, but I hated being singled out for being different.

3. Can you see how your Mercury (rules siblings) affects your relationship with your siblings? (providing you have any... I think you do)!

I have a younger sister (6yr difference) who considers me her best friend and I absolutely love her to pieces and want the best for her. Though when I was younger I wasn't very nice (sisterly fights...), I became a bit of a mother figure for her during her middle/high school years when I was almost 20 (not because our parents were away, they both worked a lot and are older than most kids' parents). I was really who she looked up to and idolized and I think she still does to an extent. I have Moon trine Mercury which I attribute to that stuff.

My older brothers (7 and 9 yrs difference) are both half brothers, though we never recognized that growing up. I saw them as my big brothers that would kick whoever's butt needed to be kicked for me. But our relationship is very Mercury/Uranus, aka unpredictable. I love them, but we don't talk much. The oldest brother has gone rogue and I have a tough time with how I feel about him.

4. What was Venus doing in your birthchart (aspects, position in chart etc) when you had your first lover/boyfriend/smooch?

This one is interesting, because Venus happens to be right in my 7th when this went down! My first kiss...just a 16 year old girl, so innocent. The boy was so cute, and I was enamored. I was on an exchange trip (australia!) and I became a whole different person than I was when I was home. People were interested in me (or scared of me) because I was different...I had been the odd one out all of my life, so this wasn't a change. However, I became exposed to the power of my sexuality (transiting venus/pluto) during this time.

5. What do you strongly believe in? What's happening in your 9th House (natally or by transit)?

So this is funny, because I don't look much at the 9th (nothing is there natally). But upon inspection from this questionnaire, I realized that there is a Jupiter/Saturn link. Capricorn lies on the cusp of my 9th house, which makes Saturn its ruler for my natal chart. Ironically, Saturn is conjunct Jupiter in my chart who is also the natural 9th house ruler. Connection! I never really got the conservatism that is supposed to go along with Capricorn on the 9th, but when I realized that Saturn and Jupiter are conjunct in my chart, that totally explains why. I have a hard time with "strong beliefs" in all honesty. I feel like things could go any way depending on the situation. So, I guess I strongly believe that I have no concrete beliefs. If that makes any sense, because it does in my Jupiter/Saturn in Libra way.

Happy Day

2009-12-08T21:28:00.002-05:00

It's a good week so far, busy at work which keeps my mind off the whole "stuck in a cube, want to escape, get me the hell outta here, arghhhhhhhhhhh!" feelings that I go through on a normal day.
I worked out with my trainer yesterday who was in a hell of a good mood, totally energetic and really got me laughing and enjoying my workout.
I ran 4 miles on the treadmill today which was totally awesome. I'm still feeling the after workout glow and it's been four hours since I showered off the sweat. I heart endorphins.
I have a fat cat who is sitting in my lap, keeping me warm and looking at me lovingly.

I guess that is all for now. I just needed a positive post, positive thoughts. Too much BS in life and I'm taking this moment to reflect on the good stuff in these moments, for right now.

I'm allowing myself to feel super awesome, and it's real good...you should try it. Go on! Do it. I literally sang "I am sooo awesome!" before I got in the shower tonight. My cat meowed at me in agreement. :)

Ok, now that my dork status has been sealed, I'm ready for bed. Sweet dreams blogger land.

Baaaaack

2009-12-02T10:20:00.003-05:00

I'm back on my own couch, back home, back drinking my own coffee and typing on my own laptop.
I've been in North Carolina since last Thursday visiting my family, first staying with my mom and dad for a couple nights; then with my sister and her boyfriend for a few. I was fine the whole time, but by the last night, I couldn't help welling up with tears over small things like a song on the radio or watching the physical therapist with my dad. I just kept wondering to myself if this was the last time I would see him. It was so hard to walk out that front door and get in the car with my sister to the airport last night. I'm scared to be so far away...even though my sister says that it's better I don't have to see it all the time--as in dad's suffering, but it doesn't mean that I feel better about not seeing it.

Mom showed me a framed picture she had of dad and I from this summer when they came to visit me. He had said he wanted it next to his bed when he was in the hospital last month for all that time. He could barely talk through his wheezing the whole time I was there. His eyes were huge as he watched me leave the house last night. I couldn't stop waving and blowing kisses. So damn sad.

I started reading Wally Lamb's "I know this much is true" on the plane ride home last night. I might get into that a little later this afternoon.

I miss my dad already.

Thanks

2009-11-25T15:59:00.002-05:00

I am so grateful for the love I have in my life. I can't imagine my life without Greg. He is all that I have ever wanted in so many ways. He is a brave, strong and tough man; I know I will always be protected and cared for. He is smart and funny; he's inquisitive, he knows what he's talking about, and knows how to make me laugh. He is humble. He cares deeply about his actions and wants to do the right thing. He appreciates me. He can talk to me and he can sense when I need his help. He gives me my space. He can cook way better than mom or dad (shhh, don't tell). He even helps me clean. He is everything that I could ever need or want. I love him so much.

We can't be together this Thanksgiving, our first holiday apart. I miss him already.

I am so lucky and eternally thankful that I have found the love of my life.

New day, moon in Pisces

2009-11-24T10:47:00.003-05:00

Every day is different from the one before. Today is better than the last and tomorrow might be worse than yesterday, but it's bound to happen anyway.

I'm in a much better mood here, my music is working and I can plug along and get my work done while listening. I've noticed that there is always some relief when the moon enters Pisces. It's like I can breathe again.

But there is trauma other places, and I just don't know how to put out the fires, not that I could if I tried anyhow. Some of those issues and problems are too deeply rooted to even attempt to dig out from the soil.

But I can at least take comfort in my own self satisfaction for this moment, today. I feel happy with me and that's all that I can do right now, that's all I have time to focus on.

Useless

2009-11-23T09:56:00.002-05:00

That's it. Serve or Suffer. (qtd in elsaelsa.com)

Sometimes the light bulb goes off and there's a little relief...but then there's always more questions.

I know I'm going through the season right now, the depression is starting to hit me and it's hitting hard. I guess I have reason, I can explain it away, but that doesn't help me. I need to deal with it, and I am, at least I think. I'm exercising, I'm trying to change my eating habits, I'm taking care of Greg as best I can...but it's not enough. I'm holding onto this job that I hate because I need to save for the wedding, I need the health benefits, and the current job market is still shaky. There is nothing I can do right now, and I fear that the rug is going to be pulled out from under me all at once. I'm afraid my dad is going to die, Greg's mom is going to die, I'm going to lose my job and so will Greg and then we'll just be sitting in the dark with nothing.

I know it's morbid and scary and I'm just putting fear and anxiety in my own heart right now, but it's better for me to realize that all those things are a possibility...hell, even worse things are possible. But I need to be strong and I need to take care of myself and I need to prepare for the worst. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst is what it boils down to.

So serve or suffer, yeah. I know that getting out of this depression requires me to start serving, to give my heart away on a daily basis. But I can't do that sitting behind this desk, and so I suffer...for now anyway.

Serenity now...

2009-11-19T09:39:00.004-05:00

The red planet in the flesh...

Mars is squaring my Ascendant and you really don't want to fight me, I'm volatile. I don't know why I can't lighten up. I know I have no time to myself, which is detrimental to my internal battery recharging itself.

Since my Ascendant is part of an axis with the Descendant, I have to watch how I act with my man too--seriously easy to fight him too. And we never fight either. We're that perfect couple that prefer to respect one another. I know you're throwing up right now. But we really hate fighting and see no use in it. We rarely have trouble with one another and if there is an issue, it is talked about and resolved. Almost zero conflict arises between us, seriously. But, I'm projecting my anger on him with that transiting Mars square to the Asc/Desc axis and he's getting the brunt of me constantly asking if he's cranky/upset/moody. Um, no Alicia, it's your problem. Although, Mars is square his Mercury right now, so there could be a little conflict going on with him that I'm sensing too.

Related to this, I had a terrible nightmare last night that Greg was very angry with me, verbally abusing me and we were near break up. It was dramatic and disgusting too, he said things about our intimacy that I would rather not repeat. It's always disturbing when you wake up and have to shake a dream because it felt so real and you're just hoping that the person you love doesn't really think of you as they did in your dream...

Ghostly fire

2009-11-17T14:45:00.002-05:00

I feel like a ghost as usual, but that is somewhat my own fault. What is the saying, "If you don't speak up, you'll never be heard" or "People who don't ask for what they want don't get what they want". Whatever it is, I feel like I've been either:

a. barking up the wrong trees or
b. i really am not being seen/heard.

It's more than likely a little of both. So basically, I have been barking here and there, but I haven't been barking about what I need to fulfill myself. I guess that happens and it's probably better off if people aren't seeing me barking for no particular reason.

I will be very glad when Mars moves out of my 3rd house...but he'll back again in January, just enough time to be my good old passive self for the holidays (less strife in the family zone is always good!)

Scorpio in the wild...

2009-11-13T14:38:00.003-05:00

The hospital Greg works at sent him a letter in the mail informing him that a coworker had nominated him for an award for excellence in patient care and work efficiency. I perked up and congratulated him for the recognition. He didn't seem excited so I probed, "You don't seem all that interested, what's up?" and he responded, "Meh, it's just weird, I prefer to lurk in the shadows."

I had a little laugh about it inside, silly Scorpio...

Energy

2009-11-11T12:25:00.003-05:00

Lately I've been picking up on some seriously "feisty" energy.

For example, if someone at work tries to question my abilities, I come back at them with at least two forms of backup to show that I completed the appropriate measures and that they are the one that needs to get their shit straight.

While at the gym, if I feel a sync with the person on the treadmill next to me, we start running together (and quickly I might add).

Walking the busy streets, if people do not abide by general rules of conduct and pay attention to where they are going, I have felt less of a need to allow them to take up the sidewalk that they do not own.

I told G the next time a person has to stand in my personal space while I'm checking out at a register, I will kindly tell them to back the F*#$& off.

I guess this is significant for me because I have always been the one who just let shit roll of my back. I haven't felt like that in years and it's been a really slow buildup to this point of realization. But I think I'm finally beginning to get the nerve (or the needed energy) to fight back. Phew.

Maybe I really am growing up...could this be Saturn knocking on my door?

Save the date

2009-11-04T15:46:00.001-05:00

I designed my save the date cards at work today...such a slacker. But they're going to look super cool.

3 weeks

2009-11-03T12:18:00.003-05:00

It's going to be a long three weeks. I keep looking at the transits and my chart, thinking that I might be able to predict what might happen while I visit my family during Thanksgiving. But I can't make those kinds of predictions and it's silly to think I'll figure something out in the mean time.
But I'll be watching my calendar every day, that's for sure.

To keep myself from total gloom and doom, I'm preparing a wedding in the meantime. I know this is terrible dark humor, but I was talking to my matron of honor last night and I told her, "I just sat back the other day and said to myself 'Shit, I'm going to be planning two funerals and a wedding this year'". She understood.

I picked up three beautiful hand-made cards today for my bridal party. I wanted to send them something special to recognize their presence in my life and the importance of having them as the women who will help me create a day of celebration for Greg and I - which I'm sure will be very much needed.

Sorry

2009-10-30T09:01:00.003-04:00

I hate my blog to be all "woe is me"...but I don't really have anywhere else to go.

My dad is dying. I don't know this just because he's sick and his disease has gotten progressively worse since the summer and that he's been in the hospital for weeks now and he's not responding to physical therapy and isn't a candidate for pulmonary rehabilitation or any of that physical shit.

I know he's dying because my mother told me that a visiting priest at the hospital had visited him before his surgery and they chatted for awhile. My dad was verbose. He was spewing old stories from his days in the Navy. He told my mom that he enjoyed the man's company and conversation.

It's sad when you know someone is dying because their behavior has changed, because they are finally talking to people for once in their life. Why is it he went his entire life barely speaking a word and now that it's almost over, he's telling stories and expressing appreciation?

Dad speaks.

2009-10-25T09:29:00.003-04:00

My dad is asking me when I'm visiting during phone calls. Dad never asks me when I'm visiting. Dad barely even wants to talk on the phone. The first time I called him at the hospital and he answered, we talked a little and as the conversation was ending I said "Well, I just wanted to call and say hello and see how you were doing." and he said back "Thank you, I really appreciate it honey." It brought tears to my eyes. I tend to get a little emotional when he actually says something, because he barely speaks.
My dad has never been much of a talker. But when he does say something, it has effect.
Transiting Pluto has been opposite his Mars/Chiron conjunction. I just found it. The dots are connecting here. His health is deteriorating. His body is morphing and he's lost so much muscle and strength. Pluto is tearing him down, slowly.

My man, the hero.

2009-10-23T09:06:00.003-04:00

I don't even know where to begin. I think it's just his Sun/Uranus conjunction, and also Uranus transiting his 10th house, my man is just constantly in it, things happen to him.

I'll start with what's going on. My man has had some interesting things happen to him lately. We live in a pretty populated area, with public transportation and he works at one of the largest hospitals in the U.S. So something is bound to happen "out of the ordinary" once in awhile. It seems lately though, that he has been dealing with a lot of these type occurrences.

Less than a year ago, he was riding the train to work and the girl next to him fell into his lap, seizing. He had to clear the seats of the passengers and lay out the girl so she could breath properly.

A few weeks ago, he was riding home from work on the train and it stopped, a person ran down through the cars screaming for a doctor. Everyone looked at my man because his backpack clearly has the hospital name written all over it. He ended up having to help another person having a seizure who was stuck holding on to a pole as if he was being electrocuted.

And finally, last night, a woman came running out of a bathroom at his hospital, only to run smack into my man--she was bleeding, her pants torn, screaming that there was a man trying to hurt her. There was sex offender that followed her into the bathroom and tried to attack her in a stall.

He has been pretty shook up since the near rape, and told me he was having a hard time getting the woman's bloody face out of his mind. He also has said he has lost a little faith in humanity. But I told him that he is the faith that others need to see. He is a hero, whether he wants to be or not.

My sis...me...years apart.

2009-10-15T19:18:00.005-04:00

My sister called me last night in tears. She had no idea that our dad's prognosis wasn't great. She had no idea that he is basically living on the edge. She sees him at least once a week, she knows what he looks like, from the swelling in his face and ankles and bruising on his arms, all from the drugs...to the million different breathing treatments he has every day just so that he can get through it.

I don't know why, but she just had no idea that his prognosis meant that he wouldn't be around much longer. At least, she didn't seem to understand it until last night.
I didn't know how to do it. I feel like there is so much going on with Greg's mom, that I just didn't know what to say to her. She was a wreck. But I called her today to talk it over a little more and really understood why she was in such a bad state last night. She told me that she felt like only recently had she really begun to start being respectful and loving to mom and dad. She explained that she knew she had been a brat for so long, and she has only just begun to grow up a little and appreciate the value of having a loving relationship with mom and dad. And now dad is just withering away right in front of her.

Rewind to about 8 years ago, I did the same thing. I was never a terrible brat, I was always the "good" child. But I did harbor feelings of inadequacy for my parents, which seeped through my blatant disapproval of their reactions to my rebellious behavior at the time (engaged at 20, drinking heavily, etc). But then I started to grow up, change my life and realize that they were human and that they deserved my love, not just for what they had done for me, but because they were my flesh and blood, they gave me life, they taught me to be who I am.

And so it goes...and we grow up...

A long weekend

2009-10-09T18:31:00.002-04:00

I have a nice long weekend, thanks to the guy who claimed he discovered America (when there were native Indian's living here already, and according to a Discovery program I saw the other day was previously discovered by the Templars hundreds of years before Columbus sailed the ocean blue).

But anyway, I get Monday off of work, so that's cool.

Mercury Direct!

2009-09-30T09:53:00.004-04:00

Here's a little story about Mercury going direct and my recent astrological "Aha!" moment.

Yesterday I discovered the meaning of my north node in the 3rd house, and it clicked to me when I read this by North Node Astrology:

"Having a Ninth house South Node implies that you sought after Truth in the past...you caught the view from the mountain-top, and didn’t understand the view from the valley or marketplace.... Give up needing to know all the answers. What you need now is to open up to new information and insights gained as you see the multiplicity of life and “truths” as revealed to you in the messiness of life in the “marketplace” or within family life, not the mountaintop."

It made so much sense to me. I understand the "truth", whatever it means to me or someone else on the other side of the world, even if I can't verbalize it or really express it. I know and I feel it. Now I need to stop searching for answers that I already know and start understanding what's concrete and what surrounds me. It just makes so much sense to me now.

I had to recognize each piece, before I could really grasp the place I am exploring.

Conversing with Mars

2009-09-30T08:18:00.003-04:00

While in the shower this morning, G says to me, "When I get angry, I'm like dynamite. When you get angry, you're like a sprinkler."

"Huh?"

"Yeah, dynamite, so everything and everyone around me is affected and they want to run away when I'm angry"

"Oh, well, yeah, I know that. I've never seen it, but I've heard about it. But what about a sprinkler? How am I an angry sprinkler?"

"When you're angry, people just look at you and say 'oh, she's angry, look at her!'"

"Oh, I see...dynamite and sprinkler, ha!"

The Red Book

2009-09-21T08:38:00.002-04:00

In college, I went in depth to explore several works of Carl Jung. I read his auto-biography, which only slightly described his experience of self exploration. I recently discovered that a book will be published this fall titled "The Red Book", which encompasses his "confrontation with the unconscious" between the years of 1914 and 1930. Apparently, this book has only been seen by a few people, but is now coming to light...

This sounds familiar, I think it's Pluto talking to Mercury, uncovering what was once hidden.

The Holy Grail of the Unconscious

Paging Dr Know

2009-09-17T18:46:00.002-04:00

The 5th house isn't all about artistic creativity, as I have intimately discovered. Think, creation instead. Procreation to be more specific. How about fertility? Yeah. I get it.

My new OBG says I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). I have been trying to figure this out for the last million years it feels. Every time I have gone in to see my PCP for an annual I have a different question, but they are always related to "DO I HAVE PCOS OR WHAT?"

I first would question my doctor why my periods were so out of whack...hint hint. I did this from 18-25. Then I started asking if there might be something else to wonder about, thyroid problems? Nope. Then about 2 years ago, after my own extensive research, I suggested PCOS. My doctor at the time didn't do anything about it.

I changed doctors.

This year, upon visiting my new doctor, and explaining my concern and lack of testing done by previous physicians, she said she would do some blood work. Months later, and who-knows-how-much-blood-they-took afterwards, I get an email with my results and a short message that says, "I don't think you have PCOS, but you might want to see a specialist". Thanks.

I make an appointment with an OBG. He looks at my test results and says, "Yep! You've got it! What do you want to talk about?"

*smacks forehead*

I am almost thankful that Mercury retrograde is in my 5th house. At least I finally got some answers. Let's hope that they're right...

I feel like I've got a lot of medical shit on my plate right now. I hope that Mercury is shedding some light and Pluto squaring is cleaning some of it off.

Not their burden

2009-09-14T12:06:00.002-04:00

This is my only outlet for this, so I guess I should just come right out and say if you're reading this, you're going to hear every detail, every minutia, every bit of information that is stuck inside me about it that I'm not sharing with anyone in the real world.

My mom might hear some of it, because she's had cancer and has some feelings about it. But other than that, this is where the bulk of my emotions are going to be released.

I'm not crying - I'm strangely un-emotional actually. I don't know if it's just denial or some kind of coping mechanism, but I just can't feel it. It doesn't seem real.

He is so blunt with this, maybe that's why I can't feel it, I'm more used to speaking without words, emotion through energy not syllables. He just keeps saying she's going to be dead before the end of the year or she's not going to be alive to see us get married. The words are like daggers, but they don't cut into me because I just can't feel them. They just hit me over the head, and I'm looking at the word and thinking about the word and dead just doesn't make sense. I don't know what that means. If it's just a word, then everything is fine. But as much as I hear it and see it, it's not just a word, it's not a noun, it's a goddamn adjective.

Anyway, she was smoking when we went to VT to visit Labor Day weekend. She didn't do it in front of us, but to a pair of former smoker's, we smelled her cigs hours after she had lit up. G was pissed. He tore her a new asshole at dinner that night. G spoke with some doctors at the hospital that gave her a pet scan last week. It's spread into both lungs, the spine and sacrum. She was complaining that her back was sore during the whole visit. There's a tumor pressing against her spine, causing all that pain.

Cancer is a big fat jerk.

And another thing

2009-09-11T14:38:00.002-04:00

Thank you Google Analytics for your traffic tracking. I feel like I am slowly building a network of people who are interested (and interesting) in astrology and such topics.

Just thought I would send out my gratitude as I watch my blog roll grow. :)

What Mercury Retrograde?

2009-09-11T14:11:00.004-04:00

A new project...

Misadventures of Cubicle Guy!

Because work is THAT boring.

And I scoff at Mercury retrograde, especially in the cardinal sign (starting new projects) of Libra in my 5th house (creativity!) nonetheless.

Enjoy.

Much needed relief

2009-09-09T20:39:00.004-04:00

I have just decided that this is much needed relief and a necessary record of what is going on right now. I don't write in my journal anymore, so there is nothing there for me to see or reread to understand what I might have been going through/dealing with "back then". I'm glad to have this now.

The Saturn/Uranus opposition is directly on my 24 degree Pisces Sun. Elsa notes that "There is really no one out there to be envied at the moment". I completely agree. Every moment that I sit back and think "Shit, this sucks and that sucks for me", I remember that something even more serious and foreboding and terrible is sucking for someone else close to me. I'm not degrading how much the things in my life suck, don't get me wrong. I'm just recognizing that we're all in this fucked up boat together, and it sucks.

So what can you really do? I know that I've learned to not mope, I *try* not to complain, and I reach out as much as possible to others. I know that I haven't reached out as much as others have for me. I feel that I have been taking a lot and not giving a lot. It's hard for this Pisces to admit not giving, considering that giving is usually my downfall. Saturn in Virgo is asking (begging) me to give of myself. He's asking me to remember what it means to sacrifice. And Uranus in opposition, well, he's providing the lightning strike that inspires me to this realization. We've got another year or so of this folks, so let's soak it all up while we can. :)

Goodnight, and sweet dreams.

The long weekend

2009-09-05T12:21:00.005-04:00

G came home from a long day of golf and beer, mostly drunk and quite upset. He had a great day golfing with his friends from work. But he had bad news he had been keeping to himself these last couple of days. He had talked to his mom a few days ago and found out that the tumors were spreading. She had a new metastasis in her back. He is feeling guilty. He thinks that because he told her to take the summer off of treatment to enjoy it, that is the reason she's getting sicker now and could die.
Ugh. I'm in it right now. I'm numb about it all. I told him he can't put the blame on himself, it's a disease that can't be stopped. He played the what if game too, what if the doctor had decided to test for cancer before it had gotten into the third stage and before the 9th time she came down with pneumonia? I hate what if.
I have to get going. I need to clean up, pack some things and get ready for this weekend. I'm going to be fine. I am the rock for now.

Shocker: Mercury square Mars and Pluto

2009-09-02T08:04:00.005-04:00

I stopped at my local meat market on the way home from work yesterday to pick up a few dinners and some lunch meat. The place was packed with people, and just standing in line was a chore, having to move back and forth to let people pass to get to the deli side.
I was next in line, and the woman in front of me, with her daughter who looked like she could have been 13 or 14, was having trouble with the machine accepting her EBT card (for those that don't know, this is basically a government issued food stamp card meant to look like a debit card).
The cashier was loud, and completely unaware of how she began to embarrass the mother by saying, "Do you have money in here? It's not working!" I could feel my chest tighten, not only was this extremely awkward but it was also a flashback to my own childhood and how ashamed I felt on a daily basis to be the poor kid going to school in an upper class neighborhood.
The mother straightened right up and said "How DARE you ask something like that and embarrass my child and I in front of all these people? You should just shut your mouth and do your job!" By this time, the line was full, stretching to the back of the tiny shop.
By the third try, the machine finally worked. The mother snatched the receipt from the cashier and turned to leave. The cashier was trying to quell the situation by saying "It's fine, see? The machine worked, it was just the buttons? No big deal, calm down!" She tried to laugh it off. I could still feel the daughter's presence and I just couldn't look over, I knew she was staring down the cashier. I heard her say "It's NOT funny" before following her mother out the door.
My heart dropped even further. I intimately know that feeling, that embarrassment. I know what it's like to have to remove a few items from your cart because there's not enough money. I know what it's like to just leave an entire cart load of food for the bagger to re-shelf because the cashier won't accept my mother's check. I know what it's like to get turned away because the store doesn't accept food stamps. I know what it's like to get denied a basic need for survival, because we just didn't have the money.
I couldn't speak after that. The cashier tried to stick up for herself and continued to laugh off the situation all the while checking me out. It was all a blur then, I just made grunting noises and snorts and signed my receipt and got out of there as quickly as I could. I couldn't empathize with the cashier, as much as I knew she had absolutely no idea how she just made that mother and child feel.
I nearly burst into tears on what felt like the longest walk home in a long time. The whole event brought back a flood of emotions. I felt sad for the mother and especially for her girl. I was reminded of my own childhood struggles, but also thankful for what I have now.

A dream poem

2009-08-28T21:13:00.005-04:00

Once upon a time, I tried to start a blog that was just poetry...but that didn't work out. This blog was supposed to be just about Venus, or at least just about astrology. But screw that. I can't limit myself or my goddamn blog. It's all about integration. Limitations are so Saturn and I'm feeling Uranian right now (he's transiting my Sun/Mars currently). Here's a poem I did in September of 2006, when I was writing frequently about my dreams.

Nightfire

Sitting across the fire,
crackling sparks
the night is deep black
filled with the faces of friends,
companions, lovers
and so many others
I stand to exclaim
"everyone, come down,
down from the bleachers
huddle in close
and be one with each other"
As soon as the words
came pouring out
the crowd began to crackle
and move down closer
like the smoldering remains
of a spark turned ember

During this time, Pluto was exactly square my Sun...I studied Jung extensively during this period as well. I think this was very beneficial for that transit, even though I wasn't quite paying attention at the time. I was lost in it all. Still am I suppose, but that's ok.

Pain pain go away

2009-08-27T10:21:00.002-04:00

My hands are killing me. Not just my hands, also my wrists, my fingers, my arms, my shoulders...they're numb and radiating pain.

I hate complaining...but I don't know what to do anymore. I have the hardest time with doctors. I hate them most of the time. I've already gone to the doctor (about a year ago) concerning my hand/wrist pain. She referred me to a specialist, an osteopath, who checked to see if I had a ganglion in my right hand, did an MRI, the works. She said I did have this ganglion thing in my palm, and I could get it removed, but it has the potential to come back. I said no thanks. This didn't help any answers for why BOTH hands are in pain daily. Clearly, I need a different specialist, one who deals with nerves, not the muscles. This is another reason I hate doctors...you have to see a million different ones before you can get an answer (if you do at all).

I guess I just don't understand. I don't want to see another doctor. I don't want to go back and explain for the millionth time that this fucking sucks, can't you get that through your thick skull? I just don't want this pain anymore.

/end rant.

Computer dies and other lives go haywire

2009-08-26T10:13:00.007-04:00

So my computer just up and died at work here yesterday. Mercury has yet to go retrograde, but 8th Houser notes we are in the "shadow" period...so apparently, I better get my bootstraps on for this one, cause I feel like it might be a doozy with all this grand cross energy around me.

Clearly, I'm set up with a new one (or at least a replacement) and back on the ground running...

I have a friend who is dealing with much more crap than I right now, she's going through her Saturn return AND Uranus is transiting her Piscean Venus. Her boyfriend just broke up with her and she just found out that the place she's been working at has shut down.

Here's her current transits:

Additionally, she is worried about losing her home, with no job now. I would be too with that Neptune mess man-handling her 4th house and IC. I have noticed that the women I meet with any kind of Saturn/Venus contact (she has an opposition) are very strong women, probably because they have had to deal some serious crap. But I know she'll get through this.

What I wonder is what you say to someone who is already going through this crap and you just see what's going on astrologically, after the fact. Maybe I could offer her a time-line for relief (when Saturn moves into Libra and Uranus into Aries)...

Stuck in the middle of a

2009-08-20T13:02:00.005-04:00

Rock and a hard place

I'm all jammed up thinking about my transits lately. I went through my email and dug out a reading Elsa did for me a little while back and printed it out. It reminded me of my Saturn transit (opposition my Sun/Mars). So I'm just in shock and awe right now (Uranus!) at the amount of transits I've got going right now. Besides the Saturn opposition, Uranus is on the other side, conjuncting my Sun/Mars. Then of course there's the Neptune/Jupiter/Chiron conjunction sitting on top of my Mercury, causing all the confusion and cloudiness, dreaminess...

I can't catch a break! I was shocked (Uranus) to find out this past weekend that my dad's illness (Saturn) is far worse than I thought. The last time I saw him was June of 08 and he was fine, but when my parents came to visit last week, he could barely walk up the stairs to my apartment. I keep thinking about how much time he has left, as well as G's (who has Pluto opposing his Moon right now) mom, who we were shocked to discover recently that she has tumors in her other lung that was tumor free. The Saturn/Uranus opposition is really affecting me all over the place. Not to mention my own chronic pain (carpal tunnel) that has progressively gotten worse.

I'm not complaining either, I think I'm just kind of voicing this stuff right now. I'm not in an mental pain anyway, probably thanks to that good ole' Neptune and Co. transit hitting my Mercury. I'm so clouded up in here that nothing is touching me. I'm just in shock I guess. Too much to think about.

Foggy

2009-08-19T11:58:00.004-04:00

There was a time when I started my new job here, that I would come in to work, do the stuff I needed to do in the morning and have most of the afternoon for myself. I was efficient, quick, organized.
There was a time when I would write near daily in my livejournal, even if I had nothing particularly interesting to say.

In my list of posts, I have a ton of drafts that have yet to be completed. And you know what those are about? A lack of focus. Hm.

Not a coincidence clearly, that there was a time when I was more organized and then there is now. I am not focused, disorganized, I slack daily, I am not in my own mind. There was a time when Neptune, Jupiter and Chiron did not transit my Mercury. I can't wait for this cloud to lift.

http://www.bartramgallery.com/details.php?prodId=63&category=6&returnpagenum=0&returncategory=6&returnsecondary=

Venus and Beauty

2009-08-08T17:39:00.002-04:00

"Beauty cannot be defined, may be depicted only imperfectly and exists only as a resonance; a beautiful sculpture can be sensed and visually appreciated, but what exactly is it that makes it beautiful? Not comparison with one that is not beautiful for one senses beauty before ones sees it."

-Erin Sullivan in Saturn in Transit

Beauty is subjective, beauty is not defined by any sort of mechanical or mathematical precision. Beauty is literally in the eye of the beholder.

Here is a fun article by Dr. Z, one of my favorite astro writers from many years ago....Mighty Aphrodite

Full Moon, Lunar Eclipse in the 10th house

2009-08-05T15:08:00.005-04:00

A coworker stopped talking to me out of the blue this afternoon. She often sends me instant messages and walks by my desk to say goodbye. I returned from lunch today to find her signed off of her instant messenger and she walked the opposite direction to leave for the day.

To me, this is clear behavior that says, "I'm mad at you". What did I do though? What upsets me more is that this person would never say that they were mad or upset, but will obviously use the passive aggressive defense mechanisms instead.

Unfortunately, this hurts me to the core. This type of behavior to someone like me is toxic and painful. It hurts more when someone uses this type of non verbal distance, rather than just saying "Here is my problem with you".

I took off the new moon eclipse, and wish I had taken off this full moon too. I can still take off tomorrow...

::Sigh::

Venus Venus Venus Part One

2009-08-05T11:30:00.001-04:00

About a week ago, I took a hell of a lot of time out of my day to read this article about Venus by Dana Gerhardt.

She is completely on fire, so right about our lack of Venus in today's culture. I've read a lot on Elsa's blog about how women will block their Mars -- tampering their aggression and ability to fight. But somewhere as I read her tidbits of advice, I thought to myself, "Yes, I do that. Of course, I'm non-confrontational and avoid all conflict." But I'm a Venusian! Venus rules my chart! She's conjuncting my sun and mars! She's in the watery, feminine sign of Pisces (her sign of exhaultation)! She makes a sextile to my Ascendent and a trine to my Moon!

That's what this blog is about, Venus rules my chart! I am all woman.

More later...

Odd goings on

2009-07-16T12:34:00.004-04:00

A whirlwind is a whirlwind. Up and down, upsidedown, rightside up, flipping over, tossed, twirling, spinning, whirling, weaving, blown, knocked around, split apart, broken up and put back together.

I can't tell how I'm going to feel one day from the next.

This is Uranus. He's unpredictable. He usually comes out of nowhere with his wild, erratic behavior. And then he will leave you just as suddenly and you will just sit there and wonder what the hell happened.

He isn't all that bad. To be fair, Uranus stands for much more positive attributes -- progressive thinking, inspiration, revolution.

Some days, it feels different, other influences are more prominent. For example, the moon was in Aries for the past couple days and I was a complete mess. But somehow, today there is a new light. The moon has moved into peace-loving Taurus and I'm once again imagining a different, creative, exciting life; just as I should be with Uranus trining my natal moon.

I want to take advantage of this time period. There is a rough road ahead, I know this for certain. So instead of allowing the unpredictability of any given moment to take over, I want the inspiration and creative flow of this Uranus transit to take me to higher levels. I have decided to dust off my paint brushes, change the strings on my guitar, and wake up, live my life.

If anything I've learned so far from this transit, it's that I can't live in the past. I can't just look back and see what I was. I have to look forward and see what I will be from who I am now.

No end in sight

2009-07-08T10:00:00.003-04:00

It's been raining forever it feels. We had two days of sun in June and July hasn't shaped up to be much better. It's weighing heavy on everyone, and as a Pisces I manage to soak up a lot of that energy too. Something is terribly wrong with the jet stream. I just hope that this isn't how the entire summer is going to turn out. New England really only gets a few good summer months a year, and this rain is washing out what time we have left.

A full moon lunar eclipse has approached--I read about this everywhere online yesterday, from Elsa's blog to the Astro Dispatch, it was the talk of the astro world. Oddly, I didn't get an inkling of what this eclipse might really mean to me. Fortunately (or perhaps unfortunately), I don't have a planet anywhere near the 15 degrees of Capricorn where the eclipse occured. All I know is my head in the clouds. I have enough going on that I don't need to worry about some eclipse anyhow.

I feel like that artist a friend of mine told me about, all he did was paint beautiful pictures of flowers and scenery while in the midst of apartheid. All the other artists created socially influenced works, dominated by the destruction surrounding them. They mocked and shunned the artist for not having a socio-political reaction within his artwork.

Granted, I don't feel mocked or shunned, and if that is ever the case - it's my own doing. But I do feel like I am in the middle of everyone else's hurricane and mine is just a little drizzle.

Excuses, excuses

2009-07-01T10:05:00.004-04:00

I'm working on an important post about G and his transits, and I have been uber busy for the end of the fiscal year at work.

But today is my first day of calm in a couple of weeks, and it's a little odd to say the least. Uranus has gone retrograde, so I've taken the day off tomorrow to celebrate his backwards motion and my own need for some R&R.

Uranus stations right smack between my Sun/Mars conjunction in Pisces.

I'm wondering what to do during this period. Do I need to relax (Uranus station trine Moon)? Do I need to be creative (Uranus stations conjunct Sun)? Do I need to socialize (11th house station)?

I actually had a moment of doubt last night. I was getting ready for bed, and I thought to myself, "How about this astrology thing? Sure, I've been reading about it, talking about it, and studying it for the past 7 years, but what knowledge has it actually brought about myself and how useful has it really been personally?" Somewhere in my mind as I was brushing my teeth, the thoughts of doubt just kept seeping in. These questions of "Why bother?"

So my astrologer self looks to see Mercury and Uranus square one another.

Other doubts, mind you, have come into my thought process as well. But that's a whole other blog.

New moon

2009-06-22T16:07:00.003-04:00

The moon is hiding today, moving into its home in the sign of Cancer. This means the moon is conjunct the Sun. This is happening in my second house. I took the day off to enjoy myself and sit on my couch. I'm comfortable.

I also sent off my resume to one of those telecommute jobs, so I can spend 20 hours a week on top of my 9-5 job and make some extra cash for the wedding and students loans and all my credit card debt that doesn't seem to be shrinking.

My awareness has been heightened concerning G's chart lately, so it's worth mentioning that the new moon and sun are conjuncting his natal moon/jupiter conjunction in his 1st house. I see this as a boost for him in the current lunar phase. Pluto is in opposition to these planets too, so the dark and light aspects of these transits are also highlighted.